Useless. It is something I've been called my whole life. Until I met Jason. He was the first person who saw me as a person who could accomplish something. I helped him take care of the other kids, and keep them safe from the dangers of living on the streets. Now I feel just as useless as my mother always said I was.
Sam and Erin were taken on my watch, and I may never forgive myself for what happened. I can't believe Jason or the others will either. Yelling at Alice was the only way I could think of to hide my feelings of inadequacy. Anger always comes naturally to me. In one way or another I always feel angry. Right now, for instance, I am angry that Jason is pushing us away. Forcing us to live apart from him and Sam. But it's my own fault. If I hadn't allowed Sam and Erin to be taken, Jason would not have felt the need to leave the safety of Alice's house to find Trevor Mason.
Staring out a window at Dan's house didn't find any answers for me. I need to know why Jason pushed us away. Was it my fault? Ginny and Jeffrey didn't do anything wrong, so it had to be me. Sam wouldn't let Jason push him away, so do I need to be more assertive? Do I need to approach Jason and tell him I wouldn't let him push me away either? Or would that make things worse?
Jason went through hell at the hands of Trevor Mason. Maybe I just need to back off. If he takes some time to heal and figure out what he needs for himself, maybe he will come back to us.
Hopefully he will, anyway. Jason has been my friend for years. He and the younger kids are my family. Our family is already hurting after losing Erin. We can't lose Jason too. And he promised. He promised he would never leave me behind.
I can't lose my brother. Not like this.
A little insight into Paul's feelings after the events of Tracker. If you enjoyed this, please follow the links to the Earthshaker Series- books 1-3 available on Amazon. You can also read the other character journal entries posted on this blog. Happy Reading!
Adri
